


Love, Asphyxiate

by softenderys



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mild Blood, Mild Smut, Smut, lots of kisses, mild johnjae, mild johnten
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2019-11-08 10:18:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17979461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softenderys/pseuds/softenderys
Summary: Hendery loved Ten, but Ten didn't love him. And yet they're together.---or, a sequel to The Feelings You Give Me.





	1. Chapter 1

Ten didn't love Hendery. He never did. But as eyes fell upon them, as mouths talked about them; he clasped his hand tighter, finding comfort in the other's warmth. Hendery never said a word. Sometimes he'd clear his throat silently. In other people's eyes, he might just seem discomfort and unwell at times. But the real reason was kept between the two, saved somewhere deep within their hearts.

 

"Open your mouth."

 

Hendery obeyed, feeling the elder closing in the distance before a pair of lips landed against his, tongue swirling within the warm cavern. Their kisses were sloppy as metallic taste mixed with flowers flooded each of their senses. Hendery felt like gagging, but Ten's hand at his back soothed him. They're getting better at handling this. At first Hendery gagged on the red carnation threatened to come out of his throat, but now he's better at controlling it, swallowing them with Ten's help.

 

When they parted, Ten slipped two fingers into his mouth. Hendery's eyes were hazy as he panted lightly. The fingers stroked the insides of his mouth but Hendery didn"t feel disgusted. When the elder finally pulled out the two baby's breath, he swallowed the pooling saliva.

 

"Good boy," Ten praised him as he inspected the small flower in his hand. The baby's breath was from him, and he was grateful they were small. Imagine if they were roses; he'd be dead by now. Hendery struggled a lot with red carnations, but it's been a whole year since they last started dating, and he's been doing fine.

 

Hendery watched him silently, wiping the excess blood and saliva on his lips. He badly wanted a glass of red wine to drown the metallic taste out, but he can't move. He won't move. Not until Ten says otherwise.

 

"You're getting better at kisses. Does it still hurt?"

 

It does.

 

_But I don't care if it's you._

 

So Hendery shook his head.

 

"Speak."

 

"No, it doesn't hurt."

 

Hendery's voice was shallow and restrained but he tried his best to sound decent. He could feel nausea settling deep in his gut but he ignored them. His focus was Ten and Ten alone. Nothing else mattered. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed yet another excess of saliva.

 

Ten gave him a small smile. They've done this multiple times before. But they've never gone further, and Hendery was too scared to initiate for anything more. In the end, they didn't share the same feelings. All these kisses were just carnal desires driven by lust. They're angry at the world for not giving them true love; for punishing them with love. Everyday they suffocate and drown in this feeling, unable to set themselves free. Despite Hendery who was pleasurably content, he didn't want to push Ten and crossed whatever boundaries they had in silence.

 

So he waited. Patiently.

 

"Do you like it? My kisses?" Ten finally asked, looking at him straight in the eyes.

 

Hendery nodded.

 

"Even though it tastes disgusting?"

 

_Nothing about you is ever disgusting._

 

Ten smiled in satisfaction when he saw him nodding again. So fucked up, his heart whispered.  _I wanna ruin you even more._

 

Ten's finger caressed his bottom lip, "If I go further, would you be able to bear the pain?"

 

Hendery was staring straight into his eyes. They were dark and molten, clouded with desire and emotions so foreign the younger felt his head spinning. He felt small and exposed, but he didn't mind. In fact he liked it. He liked it when Ten stared at him like that—controlling and unnerving. He couldn't wait for the next order.

 

_Tell me. Mark me. Own me._

 

_I'll do everything for you._

 

"Would you?"

 

"Yes," Hendery whispered, "Yes, please."

  
  
  
  


Hendery whimpered in silence when Ten retracted his hands, struggling just slightly against the binds. They were nowhere near painful, just enough to restrict his movements. He was laid bare in front of Ten, naked and vulnerable save for the pair of black silk against his eyes and wrists. He couldn't see but he wasn't scared. He felt excited. Alive.

 

A petal of red carnation at the tip of his tongue, threatening to fall out.

 

"Please..."

 

The stretch of silence felt nothing to Hendery when all he could hear was his blood thrumming loudly in his hears. His senses heightened when he felt a pair of lips against his cheek. The spot now warm and moist.

 

"How does it feel to be bounded and blind?" Ten whispered in his ear, one hand caressing his cheek, "Do you like being vulnerable? Completely at my will?"

 

Hendery whimpered.

 

"You would never understand how I feel. Not even with this."

 

Suddenly a shuffle was heard and Hendery felt cold. The warmth pressing against him started to dissipate into thin air. He panicked. An alarm rang at the back of his mind as a warning and he struggled against the binds. Ten's words echoed loudly in his head and he thought about how strained he sounded; how painful he sounded.

 

Tears strung his eyes, soaking the black cloth as he started to beg, stopping when a hand wiped his cheek.

 

"What's wrong?" Ten kissed him once.

 

"What's wrong?" He repeated against his lips in a whisper, "Why are you crying?"

 

Hendery's whole body trembled and he felt suffocated. But everything was good. So he swallowed the red petal at the end of his throat, speaking up for his sake.

 

"I thought you left..."

 

"Why would I?"

 

Ten asked as he started to kiss his neck, nibbling at his jaw. Hendery shifted just a little to allow the elder to slip lower against himself.

 

_Yeah, why would him?_ He had nowhere to go anyway.

 

He couldn't help the moan that bubbled up his throat when he felt a finger on his nipple. Ten chuckled against his chest.

 

"Cute," He heard him saying, "I like your voice. Use it more."

 

Hendery stopped struggling to keep himself quiet when Ten wrapped a hand around his length, moving in one fluid stroke. His tongue flicked against his nipple before he was kissing down his abdomen, hand still moving fast. The younger breathed heavily. He could see nothing, but it only excited him, body thrumming in pleasure when Ten finally wraps his lips around the head of his cock.

 

Only to pull it away from him.

 

"Please...Qin ge..."

 

Hendery whimpered when he felt Ten's teeth catching on his thigh. His cock twitched at the pain and pleasure, wanting more friction but the elder already retracted his hand. Ten lapped up the mark he's made in silent apology, tasting blood on his tongue but he didn't mind. Both of them were used to it anyway. He sat up and pushed two fingers into Hendery's mouth.

 

"Be a good boy and lick them for me, okay? I'll reward you."

 

And Hendery, the obedient boy that he was, obeyed him without any word. His tongue swirled around the fingers, sucking them with fervor. He whined when Ten pushed another finger in, stroking the insides of his mouth.

 

"Good. You're doing so good."

 

When he finally pulled his fingers out, red liquid painted the tip. Hendery was panting just slightly, a thin thread of saliva connecting his lips and Ten's fingers. A surprised noise escaped his lips when Ten touched his entrance, pushing one leg up against his chest.

 

"Is this okay?"

 

Hendery nodded and Ten kissed the back of his thigh. He pushed a digit inside.

 

"So tight..." Ten cooed as he licked a stripe up his shaft, "Is this your first time?"

 

Hendery didn't answer. He couldn't. Not when Ten's finger felt so fucking good.

 

"It's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you."

 

He added another finger in. Hendery opened his legs wider and whined. Ten started to scissor him open, kissing and nibbling his neck to distract him from the pain. His teeth sank into his flesh, marking him near his collarbone.

 

When Ten twisted his wrist, Hendery's moan was loud and clear. His back arched against the mattress as precum dripped onto his stomach. Ten smirked. He decided to press on the bundle of nerves again and Hendery's whine grew louder.

 

"W-What is that...?"

 

"Prostate. Male g-spot."

 

Ten kept brushing against the same spot and Hendery grew more and more impatient. He wanted more. His dick was leaking, painting a pool on his lower abdomen.

 

"Qin ge, please. I need you."

 

"Not yet, babe," Ten kissed his temple and thrusted his knuckles deep, "Gotta make sure you're loose and well prepared."

 

Hendery whined, but there was nothing he could do. He felt hot and sticky all over. His hips switching between pushing against Ten's fingers and thrusting into thin air, desperate for some sort of friction on his dick.

 

"Please-ah! Qin ge, please fuck me."

 

But Ten didn't stop his movements. He kissed his abdomen and licked down his torso. He had three fingers deep within the younger, with each stroke more precise than another. Hendery screamed when Ten wrapped his lips around his head, lapping up and sucking at the precum. The elder kept hitting his prostate dead-on and Hendery was losing his mind. Ten's mouth was velvet and warm. He didn't think he'd last much longer, especially when his dick reached the back of his throat coupled with the fingers pressing against his sweet spot.

 

"I-I'm cu—"

 

He didn't even get to finish his sentence when his orgasm hit him. Ten hummed against his shaft and that was his last straw, painting his mouth in white. Ten didn't stop moving his fingers, feeling how his hole clenched and unclenched as he was climbing down his high. Hendery whimpered as he came, waves after waves of cum spurt out of his dick, his back arching off the bed. Ten eased his orgasm, sucking on his head gently. He pulled his fingers out after the last spurt of cum, removing his mouth from him.

 

Hendery was about to say something when Ten kissed him fully on the lips. But the taste was different. Instead of the usual metallic taste of blood and the fragrant taste of flower, he tasted his own load for the first time. He was surprised, but Ten was forcing it down his throat so he complied, swallowing them in one go without leaving a single drop.

 

"You did great," Ten kissed his cheek, taking off the restraints on his wrist and the blindfold, "I'm proud of you."

 

As soon as his hands were freed, Hendery clung tightly to Ten. He could feel tears streaming down his cheeks as he buried his head on his chest and a hand coming up to rub his back. Ten wrapped his arms around him and pulling him close.

 

When Hendery finally calmed down, he pulled away to breathe properly. Ten got up and brought him a warm cloth, cleaning him before slipping back into bed. Hendery could feel something hard poking on his thigh, realizing that Ten still hasn't had his released. But Ten stopped him by wrapping his arms around his own torso, gently pulling the covers over themselves.

 

"It's fine," Ten said against his lips, "Don't worry about me. Just go to sleep."

 

Hendery felt bad. Ten had been so nice to him since the first time they dated but the younger did nothing to return his favor.

 

"Why are you so nice to me?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"It's been one year since we started dating," Hendery said, "And you don't love me."

 

"That's right. I don't love you."

 

_Then why?_

 

"Do you feel suffocated?" Ten asked.

 

_No. Not mentally._

 

Ten spat out a baby's breath onto his hand, "The same goes to me. I may not have the love of my life by my side, but that doesn't mean I can't be nice to you."

 

He slotted the small flower in his ear, caressing his hair at the same time.

 

"Beautiful," He breathed before smiling, "It hurts more to be with the person who doesn't love you back. So you deserve all of my attention even though it's against my will."

 

_Even though it's against my will._

 

Hendery felt like crying after hearing that. But he didn't. Because there was truth in those words—a truth he was too scared to confront. Everyday he lived his life in a fantasy he created, hoping that one day his feelings will be reciprocated. Eventually Hendery fell asleep with the lull of Ten's heartbeat, shoving all the unwanted thoughts to the back of his mind.

 

Because even if Ten didn't plan to return his heart, he could just crush it; destroy it. 

 

And Hendery still wouldn't mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAAAAAAA writing smut is so hard istg  
> I hope it's not cringey?? The last time I wrote smut was 2 years ago ugh;;;;;
> 
> Since many people wanted it, I finally made a sequel! :D  
> This might be more than a one-time thing cuz I wanna try developing both Ten and Hendery's characters but eh, who knows?
> 
> Come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/miing_10) and/or [curiouscat](curiouscat.me/tens_fingers)


	2. Remnants of the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten may have no reason to date Hendery, but he certainly had a reason to date Johnny before he started spitting out flowers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little insight on what happened to Ten~

There were many things Ten loved about Johnny. His eyes, his lips, his body, his warmth, his hair; but one thing he loved most was his voice.

 

Whenever Ten heard him sing, his heart would stutter in rhythm, finding his own breath stuck in his throat. He was often mesmerized and in awe by his abilities, and he didn't forget to let him know every time. He also loved it when Johnny called his name, drawling out whenever necessary just to tease. Then Ten would act all embarrassed and annoyed just for his attention, and it worked. It worked every time. He'd never forget how his voice made him happy when he'd come back from his late radio show with Jaehyun and greet everyone in the dorm. Ten was willing to stay in their dorm until he came back, sometimes falling asleep in Taeyong's bed but none of them minded. They adored Ten just the way Johnny did.

 

But that was it.

 

Johnny didn't harbor any romantic feelings towards him, saying how he was in love with another person. Ten's guess was Jaehyun. But why should he care when his heart was broken into pieces on that very same night? He felt like shit thinking that he might stood a chance against him, and yet Johnny was so nice to him he felt suffocated. He kissed his forehead before leaving him alone in the dorm's living room, silently asking Ten to just leave and go back to his own dorm. He was thankful the other members were in their respective rooms, because it was the first time he found himself coughing out a baby's breath.

 

He didn't find it strange at first but after a while it started to bother his everyday activities. He couldn't sing without having a coughing fit, dance for a whole minute without breaking down to another fit. Ten was confused and he blamed it on the weather, but he knew something was wrong with his body. It was only after a few clicks on the internet did he finally _try_ to believe his condition. He remembered coming to Johnny's room in tears, begging him to at least date him for a year in hopes he'd reciprocate his feelings. Johnny was taken aback at the sudden request but Johnny, ever the gentleman, had also accepted him.

 

"This is stupid," Ten mumbled out one night. Johnny didn't say anything as he kept playing with his hair with the younger lying on his lap. Silence lingered between them and Ten couldn't bear it any longer. He got up and looked at Johnny straight in his eyes.

 

"Do you love me?"

 

A question he's asked too many times, but left unanswered. Normally Johnny would avoid it by kissing his cheeks, then his lips and let themselves drown in each other's warmth. The question was left and forgotten in the midst of heated session they'd sometimes share in fuel of lust and carnal desire. Ten's heart wept in pain each time but Johnny was comforting enough to keep him going.

 

But tonight it felt different. Something in Ten's eyes told him that he was tired. He was tired of this, tired of them, tired of everything. And Johnny no longer had the heart to run and conceal.

 

"No, I don't."

 

It's been one year since they started dating but it was the first time Ten had heard it himself. The corner of his lips curled upwards in retaliation and for once, Ten hated Johnny's voice. He wished he wouldn't answer and just kissed him again like he always would, pulling him in his embrace. But it was too late now. He could feel his lungs constricted as the taste of baby's breath flooded his senses again.

 

"Thank you," Ten said, "Thank you for putting up with me."

 

Johnny didn't say anything. He couldn't. He was too busy studying Ten's beautiful face, illuminated by the cast of moonlight from outside the window. He looked ethereal, unreal. If anything Johnny admired about Ten was his beauty, his talent, his ambition and his personality.

 

And maybe Johnny felt the guilt surrounding him. But _love?_

 

Ten got up to take his things and leave. He didn't fail to notice the bouquet of baby's breath on a corner of Johnny's desk though, realizing how ironic his situation was. Of course he kept the disease a secret from everyone else. Even Johnny. Funny how it was also Johnny's favorite flower. And as intimate as it sounded, he didn't think it was worth sharing.

 

He was ready to turn the doorknob when he heard the drawl of his name, his nickname precisely, coming from the voice he loved the most in the entire universe.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

Johnny's apology was sincere. And Ten didn't blame him for feeling guilty. It was his own idea after all. He should be the one apologizing for wasting his time instead but here was Johnny doing the right thing at the right time.

 

Ten felt unworthy of his kindness, of his heart. Maybe that's why God punished him with the flowers that he liked. Maybe that's why they weren't meant for each other. Maybe, just maybe, if Ten wasn't so selfish, Johnny would love him back.

 

But he didn't. And there's nothing Ten could do except for accepting his feelings and apology, returning back to his old life and keeping his own secret safe within his heart. He didn't know how long the disease would last until he dies but he wasn't about to let everything go. He lived his life just the way it was, enjoying his achievements as an idol until one day he saw someone spitting out flowers, just like he did.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"Which do you think Jaehyun likes?"

 

Johnny asked Ten, who was lounging on his bed peacefully. He was drawing something on his iPad. Ten looked up briefly before pointing at the blue denim jacket Johnny used to wear a lot. Memories flooded his mind from the time Ten took a candid photo of him in their early days as an idol. He smiled a little.

 

"What?" Johnny asked, "Why are you smiling?"

 

"Nothing!" Ten said, "I took a photo of you in that before."

 

"Oh right," the taller grinned, "It was a really great photo."

 

They might no longer be together, but Johnny was an angel. Ten was forever thankful to this man for letting him into his life once again, despite the broken relationship they once shared. Sure he was suffering from the pain, but that didn't mean he couldn't spend more time with the love of his life. And maybe Johnny did know about his condition, but Ten was grateful he never once mentioned it.

 

"Now get out. I have to change," Johnny threw the clothes near the younger who whined in return.

 

"We showered together!" _and fucked!_ But Ten wasn't about to say that even as a joke, "And you want me to get out just because you're dressing up for your boyfriend?"

 

Oddly enough, Ten was so used to addressing Jaehyun as his boyfriend that it didn't pain him anymore. He just smiled playfully before getting up and headed for the door.

 

"Yes, please. I don't need someone who criticizes my style to be in the same room when I change."

 

That's a lie. Ten never criticized him for what he wore. He loved whatever the hell he was wearing, loved it even more when he got to wrap his arms around and buried his head in his chest. Ten could never forget how Johnny smelt like vanilla; sweet and calming. But Ten bought the lie anyway, leaving the room with a small 'have a good date, John!' before closing the door behind him. His heart was a bit heavy at the thought of experiencing his embrace again but he didn't dwell on it. He ran into Taeyong at the bottom of the stairs, who easily spotted him.

 

"You're here?"

 

Ten nodded, "Been here since morning. Why?"

 

It's not odd anyway. Ten always spent his mornings in their dorm or in the dance studio. He never woke up to see Hendery's morning hair despite how cute he may looked like. He wasn't ready to face him so early in the morning especially when he felt like he was too mean the night before. He briefly thought if he was being too harsh on the younger especially when the session last night was more intimate than what they've had for the past months. But Hendery never said a word, so naturally it became a mutual understanding.

 

"What happened to Hendery?"

 

"What happened to him?"

 

Ten's voice was cautious as he eyed their leader carefully.

 

"Kun was concerned because he saw blood on your sheets when Hendery was in the bathroom. And you, as always, weren't there," Taeyong explained, "I'm not judging you, but did you guys do anything weird last night?"

 

Taeyong's gaze suddenly felt too penetrating and Ten was livid. He didn't say anything before rushing out of the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this chapter was rather short,,,i wanted to write Ten's back story in a short and precise way u-u  
> kudos and comments are appreciated!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/miing_10)   
>  [curiouscat](curiouscat.me/tens_fingers)


	3. Suffocate on Your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything hurts. Everything felt strange.  
> Hendery couldn't stop thinking about the pain, but he loved Ten a little too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: blood
> 
> I figured that I wrote this story with the intention of putting blood in almost every paragraph, but I feel like this chapter had rather graphic description despite it being short.

"I told you to keep it low!" Ten said as soon as he pulled Hendery to a corner in the laundry room. The younger was washing the dirtied sheet when he arrived.

 

"What? But no one said anything?" Hendery frowned.

 

"Kun ge saw the blood on it," Ten pointed to the washing machine, "You should be more careful next time."

 

Hendery didn't say anything. He just nodded before returning to his task, watching the machine rattled as the insides spin the cloths.

 

He remembered waking up that morning with a coughing fit so bad he ended up wheezing and gasping for air for a whole 5 minutes, feeling how his entire body shook violently. But he's never seen so much blood, never even remembered coughing to the point where both his hands were painted red, blood dripping onto the bed sheet. They felt sticky. And he could taste metal, and only metal flooding his senses making him dizzy. Ten had put on a shirt for him sometime between their sleep so he just wiped his hands and mouth with it. The white shirt now scarlet but he could care less. He slowly picked up the carnation flowers before throwing them in a dustbin and ran into the bathroom to clean himself, not forgetting to cover the mess with a blanket.

 

_Kun ge must've seen the blood soaking through it..._

 

Hendery couldn't help the nausea feeling settling in his gut despite having seen blood everyday in his life for almost a year now. He barely noticed the arms wrapping from behind him, and a kiss planted on his nape.

 

"I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry." Ten whispered before rubbing his chest firmly, "Breathe. The flowers get stuck if you don't breath properly."

 

Hendery sighed a little too forcefully. His head had been spinning since morning he could barely stand, holding onto the washing machine tightly. He then turned around to lean against it, now facing the elder. But he didn't say anything, just pulling Ten close and kissing him languidly. Ten let him have his time, let him explore his mouth with his dexterous tongue, biting on his bottom lip until they parted, lips mere inches apart to catch their own breaths.

 

"You taste awful."

 

Ten was the first to speak up. Not because it's bad, but because he could taste it. The metallic taste flooding his senses when Hendery kissed him. It's never been this strong before.

 

Something was definitely wrong.

 

"Did you accidentally bite your tongue? Is your gum bleeding again?"

 

Hendery shook his head.

 

"It hurts."

 

Ten frowned, cupping both sides of his face with his own delicate hands. He stared at his eyes, where a look of solemn and exhaustion painted them. The gleam he's often seen was gone and the sparks were barely there. He scanned his entire face then, noting how pale Hendery looked today before giving a soft kiss to his lips again. Hendery was pliant this time, letting him take control of the kiss completely. His fingers clutched onto his shirt in purchase of reality. He felt floaty. Dizzy. Blood thrummed in his ears, his heart  thumped loudly against his rib. When Ten finally broke the kiss he fell forward onto his chest, taking him by surprise.

 

"It hurts, Ten ge." He repeated in a shallow voice, breaths quickening in pace by the minute. "Everything hurts. I can't breathe."

 

Ten was saying something. Something he couldn't hear properly. All Hendery knew was that he's drowning. Ten's face now a blur; his voice felt so far away. Darkness greeted him within seconds as he collapsed onto the floor.

  
  
  
  
  


\-----

  
  
  
  


Hendery didn't know how long he fainted. But he was greeted with the most beautiful face as soon as he opened his eyes, knocking his breath out of his lungs and he started coughing again. Ten immediately got up to give him a glass of water, which he gulped down with much difficulty and soaking his own shirt. It wasn't just Ten in the room though. Kun was there as well and he wondered why, totally forgetting that he was their sub-unit leader until after a few minutes when his breathing became regular again. He took several deep breaths. Ten helped him by rubbing his back gently.

 

"Thank god you're fine," Kun sighed in relief, "The doctor came just now and checked on you. He said you're dehydrated and needs more rest."

 

Hendery looked at Ten, silently asking if they knew about the disease but Ten just squeezed his hand with a smile.

 

"Don't push yourself too hard, okay?" Kun gave his shoulder a pat before getting up, "I'm going to make dinner now."

 

As soon as the door closed, Hendery hugged Ten as tightly as he could.

 

"You're fine. I insisted to not take you to the hospital," Ten gave small rubs on his back, "The doctor did mention about your pale complexion but he didn't comment more on it. I'm just surprised he didn't pry further."

 

 _That's good._ Hendery thought. At least no one else knew about his and Ten's weird disease. He let the smaller male go.

 

"But you're here."

 

Certainly not the first thing that Ten was expecting Hendery to say as soon as he woke up but he nodded anyway. He was mildly confused but he still gave an assuring smile.

 

"Of course I am. Where else would I be?"

 

"Uh...with Johnny?"

 

Ten furrowed his eyebrows. "Why would I be with Johnny?"

 

"No, because," Hendery bit his lip. Ten was looking at him with the same puzzled look and the younger felt like burying himself in the piles of pillows and blanket. Silence stretched between them. Hendery silently cursed himself for being so stupid.

 

"You're never there whenever I wake up," He explained, "It feels...strange."

 

Something about the statement made Ten feel uneasy. He knew Hendery didn't mean to come out as rude or demanding, that's why he never said a word. But hearing it from the younger itself felt...awkward. A mixture of sadness and anger bubbled up within him. Emotions threatened to spill. He was about to say something when Hendery spoke again.

 

"I know it's none of my business on what you do everyday. And I really don't mind that I don't get to see your face in the morning. But it's nice when you are here..." Hendery said, smiling a little, "It feels really nice."

 

_To be taken care of._

 

_To be awake in your arms, knowing that someone else was with me. Helping me._

 

_To be alive with you by my side._

 

Hendery waited for a response but he didn't get any even after 5 minutes. Not that he minded, he told himself. He knew his position in Ten's eyes and that nobody could ever win his heart like how Johnny did. And Hendery liked Johnny. The man was kind to everyone and he could see why Ten fell for him. Every time they met each other, Hendery felt the strung on his chest. Ten's smile was the widest it could ever be and he looked the happiest with him.

 

He wished he could make Ten smile like that too. He wished he could give him the happiness he deserved. But most importantly Hendery just wished Ten would look at him a little longer. Not just because they shared the same disease. Even right now, Ten was trying to avoid any eye contact with him; looking anywhere but him.

 

Hendery had no one else to blame but himself. He knew he should've just shut up about it and not bring it up. Maybe next time he would keep his mouth shut, if it meant Ten could look at him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy White Day!  
> Ten posted an artwork of roses growing out of a heart and I'm guessing that's a sign for me to update??  
> It's quite short, but I'm planning to make the next chapter longer so!!
> 
> Follow me at [twitter](https://twitter.com/miing_10) and [curiouscat](curiouscat.me/tens_fingers) ! Kudos and comments are much appreciated :D


	4. Speaking Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hendery had enough of suffocating. He decided suffering alone would only make it worse.

"It's not your fault."

 

Hendery looked at Renjun who was sitting across him in the cafe, one hand holding the fork before cutting a small piece of cake and putting it straight into his mouth.

 

"It is my fault," Hendery argued, "He's stopped talking to me for three days."

 

No one else was there with them. They chose to walk home together from practice because Hendery thought he could use some advice for his current predicament. Everyone in the group knew that him and Ten were going out, but Hendery felt more at ease to open up with Renjun. They barely saw each other these days and he missed talking to him. He almost felt sorry that this was their first conversation in a while, but he was at his wits' end and Ten wasn't showing any cooperation.

 

"Have you tried approaching him then?" Renjun asked as he fed himself another bite, "If he pushes you away, then he might not be ready to talk."

 

Hendery frowned as he recalled his actions. He did try to talk with the elder, only to be ignored or disregarded as if he didn't exist. Talking to Ten was one thing, but not talking to Ten was another thing. It was a hassle during practice or recordings when they needed feedbacks from one another to improve. Hendery had had enough of it.

 

"But it's been three days. He can't avoid me for long, can he?"

 

"True," The latter nodded, "Just try again tonight. After dinner, when you guys are just lounging in the dorm."

 

Hendery felt the guilt eating him alive despite only trying to do his best for the sake of his 'boyfriend'. He didn't know falling in love could hurt this badly; literally and figuratively. He just nodded as he took one final sip from his cup of hot chocolate, mind reeling on the ways he should try to approach the elder.

 

"I've been meaning to ask..." Renjun started after a moment of silence, catching Hendery's attention again, "If you guys are really going out."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

Hendery felt his heart pounding loudly against his ribcage, brows furrowing as his mouth formed a thin line.

 

"You guys barely hang around each other long enough to make a full conversation. And none of you knows what the latter is doing when someone is asking."

 

"He has his own life. It's called giving him space."

 

"You're not wrong," Renjun said, "But it's odd. I'm not sure how to word it but there's some sort of detachment."

 

 _Detachment_.

 

The word rang in Hendery's mind. Cold sweat trickled down his spine as he swallowed a carnation petal at the back of his throat. He didn't like where this conversation was going. His breath caught and he felt suffocated again.

 

"Well," The younger said after a moment of silence, "Just know that I'm willing to help if you ever need it, alright?"

 

They left the cafe shortly after. Hendery's mind was still worked up over what Renjun had said. He didn't want anyone to know about what happened beyond their relationship; that it's more than just 'love'. Because people might get different ideas. People might misunderstood.

 

There was a soft knock on the bathroom door, knocking him out of his trance. Hendery took a moment to stare at the red carnations mixed up with blood in the toilet bowl before flushing it down the drain. Cleaning his mouth, he noticed how pale his face looked—like a living corpse barely getting through the day, eyes bleary and tired.

 

_Oh well._

 

"Ten ge?" He eyed the beautiful face as soon as he opened the door. The elder didn't say anything but just pushed him aside, locking the door behind him. Hendery sighed. He barely noticed the tall man sitting across the living room, lounging peacefully on the couch until he heard his name being called.

 

"We need to talk." Johnny's voice was gravel, with a hint of worry in it.

 

They went outside to the porch. The cold night air penetrated their skin but the elder remained unbothered, whilst Hendery was trying hard not to curl into a ball for warmth.

 

"Did something happen?" Hendery asked with gritted teeth. Not because he's mad, but because it was cold.

 

"What happened between you and Ten? I don't want to sound condescending but if you ever hurt him, I'll beat you up."

 

Hendery frowned. It wasn't his fault that Ten refused to talk. He tried, but the latter wasn't ready. Hendery hugged himself tighter in purchase for warmth.

 

"What did he tell you?"

 

"...He didn't," The hesitance in Johnny's voice made him uneasy, "He just came over and started crying."

 

It wasn't as though he didn't believe that Ten could cry. Ten did. He cried a lot in the past, including those times where he'd talk about Johnny to Hendery. But Hendery didn't know if the problem they're facing was worth the tears. It was just a small issue. An issue the younger thought was caused by his own stupidity and selfishness.

 

"I've tried talking to him but he wouldn't say anything."

 

_I did too._

 

"What did you do?"

 

Communicate. Hendery was trying to communicate his feelings. He was suffocated and broken by the flowers growing in his lungs. So beautiful yet so destructive. That was them. That was their relationship.

 

But Johnny wouldn't believe that. He wouldn't buy that. Why would he anyway? He was certain Ten had tried to talk about it with him; when they were still dating a year ago. There must be a point where Johnny would notice something wrong. Like the blood that dripped down his chin when he coughed. Or the taste of baby's breath against his tongue as they kissed.

 

Or maybe Ten was too good at keeping his secret.

 

"Johnny ge, there's something you need to know."

 

 

\---

 

 

  
Ten was lying on top of Hendery's bed when the younger opened the door. His chest rose in a pattern, face peace and devoid of any worries. Unguarded and pure; Hendery missed kissing him even if he would cough for air the second after. The room was barely lit, save for the moonlight casting from outside. He approached him quietly.

 

"Ten ge..." He whispered, close enough for the other to feel his breath. Ten stirred but didn't wake up, "Ten ge, I'm here."

 

Ten woke up with Hendery's fingers tangled in his hair, stroking softly as he studied his face. _So pretty_ , Hendery heard himself whispered. He never got the chance to watch this side of ten; unravelling from underneath him, eyes sleepy and lips pulled in a lazy smile. He looked peaceful, free of worries and so fucking beautiful. Hendery wished he could wake up to this view every morning.

 

"What took you so long?" Ten asked as he rubbed his eyes.

 

"I was talking to Johnny ge," Hendery mumbled.

 

Ten made grabby hands motion, begging for the younger to come closer which he complied instantly. The elder had his arms around his neck as they kissed. Hendery missed this. He missed the fresh taste from the baby's breath as their tongues tangled together.

 

"I'm sorry," Ten whispered against his lips, "I'm sorry for being such a jerk."

 

Hendery shook his head, coughing a little when they parted, "It's not your fault. It's not your fault, Ten ge. It was me."

 

A sigh escaped Ten's lips as he pushed the younger's hair back, admiring his face, "You're too pale."

 

"Whose fault do you think it is?"

 

Ten gave a breathless laugh before pulling him down for another kiss. Hendery was right. Ten couldn't even taste the red carnation anymore. His mouth tasted of blood and only blood. The metallic taste flooded his senses and Ten was worried.

 

"Let's go to the hospital tomorrow. You need more blood."

 

Hendery rolled his eyes, "I'm fine. I'm not a vampire. I don't need blood."

 

"It's not your food, dumbass. You're dying."

 

_Wasn't that the point?_

 

_So they could die together?_

 

Hendery noticed that he was suffering more than Ten, losing a lot of blood everyday whenever he overthink or stressed over something. It's funny because Ten suffered from the disease longer than he did, but ironic how he was the one dying faster than the latter. Ten was so good at keeping his disease a secret...

 

He decided to change the topic instead.

 

"So I talked to Johnny ge..."

 

Ten rolled his eyes, "Tell me he didn't say anything about me."

 

Hendery snorted, "You came to him crying! Why else would he want to talk to me?"

 

"Do you know why I cried?"

 

Silence hung in the air but Hendery still tried to answer.

 

"Because I hurt you?"

 

"Because I'm a coward," Ten corrected him, "I was too scared to admit my mistakes to you. I didn't know who else should I turn to. I feel great though. He missed his date with Jaehyun because of me."

 

"That's just mean." Hendery huffed but Ten's laugh was melodious he decided to ignore it, "I talked to him about you."

 

Ten hummed as he caressed his hair.

 

Hendery swallowed, "And about the disease..."

 

Ten's fingers stopped moving. Hendery could feel the tension rising by the minute so he averted his gaze, too scared to see the look on Ten's face. His next reply was strained, voice strict and angered.

 

"Why?"

 

"Why not?"

"'Why not'? Why not, Hendery?" Ten pulled him up by his hair, "Why do you think I said to keep it a secret?"

 

The younger whimpered in his hold, "But he—he deserves to know!"

 

"What? That I'm dying if he doesn't love me?! Idiot, you're just guilt tripping him! Now he's gonna think that I'm just using him for my own good. What do you have to say to that?!"

 

He pushed him aside forcefully, sitting up on the bed. Hendery groaned in pain when he landed on the tiles below. Ten's face was livid as he punched in Johnny's numbers on his phone, but Hendery was quick to clutch his hand and stopped him, tackling him down to the ground.

 

"Hendery, get off me!"

 

"He knows, Ten ge!" Hendery yelled, "He knows you were suffering from something but he didn't know what it was! That's why–that's why–he broke up with you."

 

Ten stopped struggling at once. His eyes wide and horrified as he shook his head.

 

"No. No," Ten shook his head in disbelief, "No! You're lying!"

 

"He kissed you, Ten ge. Of course he would know."

 

"But he—"

 

"Yes, he didn't love you." Hendery said, "But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you."

 

A lone tear trickled down Ten's cheek. Hendery wiped it away before kissing the spot.

 

"You're lying..."

 

"You can ask him yourself. He was too scared to hurt you even more, that's why," Hendery stroked his face, "He knew about the blood. About the baby's breath that you would cough out in the middle of your sleep. He cleaned them for you. He believed that if you're not ready to talk about it, then it's not his place to know or pry. He's hoping to hear it from you, but you never said a word so he figured it was just a glitch in his memory."

 

 _Except it's not._ Hendery remembered Johnny talking about it just a few hours earlier. His face was a look of worry and regret, reprimanding himself probably. Johnny was a nice guy, but he had the rights to know. When Hendery first spoke about it, he didn't lash out. He was confused. He couldn't understand why Ten wouldn't tell him until...

 

"I have it too."

 

Johnny looked at him as if he grew another head.

 

"I have the disease too," Hendery repeated in earnest. His hand now holding the blossoming red carnation, the blood making it more sinister under the dim lights.

 

"Ten likes red carnation..."

 

Hendery nodded, "Do you understand now? The reason why he tried to keep it a secret?"

 

He didn't wait for Johnny to respond. Instead he threw the flower onto the ground before stomping on it. Red smeared on the snow beneath his feet, the carnation now flat and squished from the impact.

 

"Those are his lungs," Hendery said, "He's dying, and so am I. But you know what's ironic?"

 

Johnny looked at him.

 

"I've never felt more alive when he's next to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, but I just finished my finals!! I hope everyone is doing well~
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated :))))


	5. Understanding Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny thought of the times he'd seen Ten coughing out blood and flowers, but ignored the conversation that needed to happen.

The weather was cold, but Johnny's heart was colder once he heard the explanation. A shudder ran up his spine as he stared at the disappearing footprints belonging to Hendery. The blood and squished red carnation now covered up in white snow, making a tinted hue of red and white on the ground. The latter had gone inside right after the conversation ended, leaving Johnny alone to think about his words.

 

_ "I've never felt more alive when he's next to me." _

 

_ Did Ten feel the same way? When they were still together?  _

 

Johnny remembered waking up one night. His vision bleary as nothing but darkness filled the room, the moonlight casting from outside barely penetrated through the dark curtains. He rubbed his eyes groggily, wanting to peel himself off the bed for a drink and that's when he noticed it.

 

Ten was still sleeping next to him. But his breathing was irregular and his face looked _different_. His eyes squeezed shut as he breathed heavily, nose scrunching up as if in pain. A whimper escaped his lips before he started coughing violently and his entire body shook, curling up on himself as the impact wrecked his small figure. Johnny had his hands on him within seconds, shaking his lithe figure desperately to wake him up.

 

"Ten! Ten, wake up!"

 

But he didn't. Ten's eyes stayed close even as he wheezed for the next three minutes, splattering blood on the sheet and on his hands when finally, _finally_ , he coughed out small petals of baby's breaths. The amount of flowers coughed out was shocking by the time he finished. He lied still on the bed. Johnny's eyes remained wide as he stared at the white flowers, now a mixture of red because of the blood. Nausea settled deep within his gut and he was _so confused._

 

He picked one baby's breath up just to examine it. The blood was real, the flower was real but he was puzzled enough to end up staring at it for a solid five minutes, until he heard Ten groaning in his sleep again. He thought the latter was awake when his limb moved as if in search for something. Johnny gingerly offered his own hand. Ten curled his fingers around it and stopped the restless movement, falling back into a deep slumber.

 

He didn't know what to do as he rubbed circles on Ten's palm. He looked peaceful now, even as blood painted his lips. _Does this explain the metallic taste each time they kissed?_ Johnny thought it was just Ten biting him until either of them was bleeding, because he _loved_ using his teeth whenever they kissed. He didn't know it was real blood; that Ten's mouth could possibly, only, taste like blood. Johnny brought the baby's breath to his lips. The taste was oddly familiar; because it's Ten. It indeed tasted like _Ten_. For months he had been wondering what the strong taste was, finally able to give it a name.

 

But it didn't his confusion even if he did. He couldn't understand the whole situation, staring aimlessly at the small flower in his hand as he held Ten's hand with another. But he was certain of one thing. He had to clean the mess before Ten woke up. Johnny knew better than anyone else to respect his decision not to tell. He deliberately let go of Ten's hand and went to grab a washcloth, ignoring the whimper the latter was letting out.

 

"Did you cut yourself?" Ten murmured as they lied together in bed the next morning. His eyes transfixed on the small drop of blood on Johnny's ring finger and Johnny made a confused noise.

 

"What?" He examined his hand and _oh_. He must've forgotten to wash his hand properly. This was Ten's blood and suddenly Ten was kissing his finger better, lapping up at it. 

 

"There." He said once finished and Johnny rolled his eyes.

 

"That's unhygienic. What if it gets infected?"

 

Which wasn't true at all because it wasn't his wound. Ten basically licked his own blood. Johnny was surprised he didn't notice it. Not that his blood tasted different but.  


 

Ten gave him a pout but didn't say anything. He just nuzzled closer and Johnny was partially grateful that Ten didn't remember what happened last night. It's been four months since they started dating and they'd only been sleeping together, literally, three times including last night. They didn't get to spend much time together due to their schedules in different units. Everything that happened last night was fairly new to him but he didn't want to pry if Ten wasn't ready.

 

But the fact that he coughed out baby's breaths— _Johnny's favorite flower_ , of all things—bothered him a little too much.

 

"Ten, what flower do you like?"

 

Ten looked up at him in confusion, his eyes now wide opened. "Why?"

 

There's a silence between them because Johnny remembered about the roses that Ten loved. Or carnations. They weren't baby's breaths, or small flowers either. "No, nevermind. Forget about it."

 

The younger chuckled against his shoulder. "You're so weird."

 

_ You're weirder, Ten. _

 

But he didn't say more. He figured there will be a time where Ten might open up about this. But he definitely didn't expect Hendery to be the first to speak up before Ten.

  
  
  
  
  
  


"—nny hyung. Johnny!"

 

Johnny snapped out of his daze, dropping his spoon into the broth and splashing it everywhere on his meal. "Shit," he muttered underneath his breath, reaching over for the tissue offered by Jaehyun and wiping the front of his shirt, now yellow in contrast with the white.

 

"Are you okay?" Jaehyun asked after a long stretch of silence. He watched Johnny closely when he sighed, wanting to just bury him in a tight hug despite being in a public restaurant where everyone could see. Not that they've never done it anyway.

 

Johnny gave a nod. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." 

 

He tried to smile but Jaehyun saw through it. "No, you're not. What did I say just now?"

 

Johnny mentally slapped himself for not paying attention.

 

"Uh...the laundry?"

 

"That should be from Taeyong hyung, not me." He sighed. "I was talking about our new dance choreography. Clearly you weren't listening." Then he put his chopsticks down and looked at him straight in the eyes, the half-eaten bowl of chicken katsu udon now forgotten.

 

"What?" Johnny stared right back. 

 

"Spill it out."

 

"Spill what out?"

 

"Are you thinking of Ten?"

 

"Oh my god, Jung Jaehyun." He groaned, annoyed. Jaehyun kept bringing his name up even if they broke up a while ago and Johnny didn't like that. "You _know_ I don't love him. Why do you keep asking me that?"

 

Jaehyun seemed offended. "You refused to say what's wrong! How am I supposed to know about your problems if you never tell?"

 

Background noises in the restaurant filled in the silence between them, with chattering and cluttering of utensils here and there as people kept eating. Both of them were tired from practice, tired from the day which made them snap easier. Johnny told himself to calm down by silently counting one to ten, finding it ironic how the number itself was giving him a peace of mind. 

 

"It is about Ten." He began, observing the latter's response. Jaehyun's eyes softened but he didn't say anything. Johnny took it as a sign to continue. "He's dating Hendery, just so you know."

 

"Everybody knows that, hyung."

 

"Good. It's good that you know." Johnny said with a nod. "It's not really a big deal _(except maybe Hendery and Ten are dying?)_ but I need to talk to him about it. Do you know how hard it is to squeeze information out of Ten? That guy is more indestructible than a safe!"

 

"Have you asked?"

 

"Yeah, but he's been avoiding me. He didn't reply my texts or calls. He's also busy with WayV's schedule and I'm busy with the concert preparations."

 

"What about Hendery?"

 

Johnny briefly remembered the interaction he had with the younger boy. "Pretty sure he doesn't want me anywhere near Ten."

 

"You're being dramatic." Jaehyun scoffed as he took his hand across the table, "Just ask. They'll open up eventually."

 

But he didn't have time. What if one of them die tonight? Tomorrow? Or the day after? He would never live it down if Ten died because of the disease. Johnny was indirectly involved in a homicide! Literally in the name of love!

 

He sighed as he glanced out the window to the street. There's a group of teenagers standing outside a shop, probably waiting for their Uber ride. And that's when he saw it. A florist. Right next to the shop where the group was standing, although the flowers were moved inside, was undoubtedly a florist. The owner was pulling down the curtains, probably about to close for the day and that's when Johnny got an idea. He instantly stood up. Jaehyun eyed him curiously.

 

"Jae, do you like flowers?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is focused more on Johnny's pov because he also play a huge part in this story! 
> 
> oh and, I'll only be able to update this every two weeks starting from now cuz college is starting, sorry for the delay!!!
> 
> Tell me your thoughts pleaseee :)))  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/miing_10)  
> [curiouscat](curiouscat.me/tens_fingers)


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